“FROM THE DOME!”

by

Jerrel Swingle

(Voice over – basso profundo, excruciatingly serious)

“HELLO, AGAIN! This is Sunday morning, (theme music: opening bars of Richard Wagner’s “Thus Spake Zarathustra”), this is Washington, D. C., (music building to a crescendo) and this is (dramatic pause) — “FROM THE DOME!” — (theme music concludes with the triumphant fanfare), your most dependable source for truth and informed up-to-date commentary on the national political scene.”
(Studio shot showing host at an expensive roundtable with the Capitol Dome and Washington Monument in the background through a fake window.) The host fixes his gaze on camera one and speaks.
“Good morning. I am Morton Morton (excruciatingly serious), your host who allows no dancing around or evasive answers in his constant pursuit of sheer, revealing truth, no matter where the search leads; an impartial observer of the current cultural and political landscape in our nation’s capital who never rests in his endless quest for honesty and integrity in our elected officials and/or their cronies, no matter how prominent or powerful. (In his earpiece: “Hey, Morton. Knock off the O’Reilly bit and get on with it.”)
“Our guest today is the distinguished senior senator from Delaware, Albert Mutchadoo. Welcome to “From the Dome”, Senator.
“Thank you, Morton. I may call you Morton, may I not?
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“Of course. Senator. I would like to begin this interview with a question concerning your recent confinement – er – stay in a prominent health center specializing in treatments for those who daily undergo the manifold stresses of laboring in the minefields of the forever-taxing
Washington political scene.” (In his earpiece: “Hey, Morton! Get on with it! We haven’t got all day.)
“Do you feel your prescribed treatment has been a success and that you can now resume your normal duties in the Senate?”
“Oh, yes, Morton. In fact, I feel better than ever, and they helped me clarify a number of issues I had been struggling with. I left feeling quite confident in my abilities to function, the only side effect being a slight twitch in my left eye.”
“I noticed. At this point, I should inform our viewers that the Senator has been one of the leading critics of the powerful corporations that exert undue pressure on our economy. Big Oil, Big Pharmaceuticals, Big Tobacco, Big Agriculture have all been targets of his unrelenting assault on their influence in our national government. But I understand you have a new target for your efforts. Am I correct?”
“Indeed you are, Morton. This is an influence so pervasive, so perfidious that it has infiltrated our economic structure almost unnoticed. It disturbs our innermost workings, and is having a devastating effect. It is sapping the energy of the American electorate and leaving it weak, unable to respond effectively to critical situations.”
“May I ask, Senator, what this particular special interest is?”
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“Oh, yes, Morton. It is Big Prune Juice.”
“Big Prune Juice?”
“Yes, indeed. Even as we speak this special interest is putting tremendous pressure on many of my colleagues in a powerful effort to weaken support for my latest bill, S.14286, that I introduced shortly before an unfortunate health problem caused my temporary retirement from active legislating.”
“And that bill is intended to . . . ?”
“It is to control their efforts to facilitate larger and larger shipments of prune juice on our interstate highways and their desire to allow retail distribution in larger containers, such as gallon jugs.”
“With all due respect, Senator, there are many other fruit juices that retail at the local level in larger packages, such as apple and orange juice.”
“Very true, Morton, but none is as powerful as prune juice. Of course, there has been a lot of internal rumbling about my current bill, but that is only half the story. Have you any idea of what this country is spending on imported prune juice? It is an unconscionable assault on our national sovereignty, not to mention the budget. (eye twitching is becoming more pronounced.)
“I intend to lead a massive bipartisan effort to end America’s dependence on foreign prune juice. I am determined – DETERMINED! – to purge our systems of this nefarious money-grubbing practice by Big Prune Juice! And I’m confident the American public will demand

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action once my intentions become widely known. My constituents are not going to take this sitting down!”
“Not to take issue, but I would think they’d want to. However, Senator, I have to admit that I’ve been totally unaware of prune juice being any particular problem in this country.”
“I’m not surprised, Morton. The prune juice lobby has become very sophisticated in keeping this explosive issue under cover, so to speak. For instance, do you recall the incident two years ago where a very large tanker went aground near Madagascar and spilled millions of gallons of its cargo into the sea? Were you aware that that cargo was prune juice?”
“Uh, no. The international news, as I recall, said it was oil.”
“Cover up! Shameless cover up! My investigations turned up the fact that after that unfortunate incident, the whales that traverse the east coast of Africa began losing weight at an alarming rate. Greenpeace confirmed my findings. In addition, research showed that the sea bed under the Indian Ocean became unusually organic. This was just another disastrous by-product of our growing dependence on foreign prune juice.”
“An amazing story, sir, one of which I am sure the world at large was unaware at the time. (Morton casts a noticeable glance at an unseen studio clock.)
“Unfortunately, Senator, we must now take a brief break for these important announcements. We’ll return shortly and continue our enlightening interview with Senator Mutchadoo.”

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(Off mike and off camera:) “Senator, are you feeling all right? I’v noticed your left eye is twitching more frequently and noticeably. It’s becoming distracting. We have some eye drops if you believe they would help.”
(In his earpiece: “Forget the eye drops. The commercial break is over in ten seconds . . . now . . . five . . . four . . . three . . . two . . . one. Go!” Morton smiles into the camera.)
“We’re back, and pleased to continue our interview with Senator Mutchadoo, the senior senator from Delaware, who is describing his ongoing battle with the Big Prune Juice lobby.
“Senator, you believe that prune juice poses a clear and present danger to the welfare of the American people?”
“Yes I do, Morton. Suppose, if you will, that we should experience a similar spill as the one in Madagascar, but this time in the Great Lakes. Or, if somehow concentrated prune juice were to be introduced by terrorists into our nation’s water supply. Can you imagine? The results would be too horrendous to contemplate.”
“It staggers the imagination.”
“That is why I am leading the effort to curtail the importation of prune juice from foreign sources, and, incidentally, why I expect to be reelected this time next year.”
(In his earpiece: “Hey, Morton. There’s some big guys here in white coats waiting to escort your guest back to his quarters. Wrap it up.”)
“Senator, I’m so sorry we’ve run out of time, but I understand your aides are waiting to take you back to your office. Thank you for joining us, sir, and you’re welcome back
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anytime. Best wishes to your efforts on behalf of the American public in your battle against Big Prune Juice. And I’m sure everything will come out fine in the end.”
(In his earpiece: hysterical giggling.)
Senator Mutchadoo: “Thank you, Morton.”
(Morton – struggling to maintain composure . . . )
“Until next week, ladies and gentlemen, this is Morton Morton saying, ‘That’s all for this week’s ground-breaking edition of ‘From the Dome.’ See you then.”
(Morton Morton – off mike and off camera: “What’s so damned funny?”)

(Theme music up)
———-

(1275 words)
BIO:
Jerrel (Jerry) Swingle is a retired art teacher who, post-retirement, has pursued a life-long interest in creative writing—humorous short fiction, poetry, and essays. He has since had work appear in Sweetgum Notes, Applecart, eClips, Fantasy Gazetteer, and Woman’s Corner e-zines, in Storyteller and Good Old Days magazines, America’s Funniest Humor, Missouri Teachers Write, Good Old Golden School Days, Cuivre River Anthology, Echoes of the Ozarks, and Well-Versed.

I hesitate to part with it.
That coat from our early years
of marriage, the one you
picked out for me.

You were right, you know.
Urging me to try it on,
our daughter, sleeping in the stroller.
The same daughter now out
conquering the world.

Yes, it’s been that long.

This coat has seen me
through many winters
and false springs.
Has witnessed
idylic days,
hard times, harsh times.
Endured more coldness
than I would have liked.

Seasons are like that.
Sometimes the only protection
against a North wind
is a good coat, well chosen.

And thank you for your very kind words. Poetry is everybody’s mystery, mine included. I just like the sound of words put together in interesting ways. And haiku? It’s simply based on observation of things that often go unobserved. The classic three lines: 5 syllables, 7 syllables, 5 syllables. Don’t be afraid of it. It’s fun.

And don’t underestimate your ability to write poetry. If it comes from your heart, that’s all it needs. Please continue to contribute. – Jerry

You called out to me and said,
“Oh, Fred! We’re out of bread.
“Would you go buy rye
and some exotic spread?”
I answered, “Sure, my dear,
but should not Ted
be sent instead?
The last time I sped
to get you bread,
I was sure you had said,
“Thread.”
The outcome was not pleasant.

On a broiling hot July 5th
in 1948,
In a small town in southwest Missouri,
the Presidents,
the Chief Executives
of the United States of America
and the republic of Venezuela,
Truman and Gallegos,
presided, with much pomp,
over a ceremony
dedicating a large bronze statue of
the great South American liberator,
Simon Bolivar,
in a small park,
in this small town, because
the town bore the name of
Bolivar.
People fainted in the heat.
It was a proud moment.